Phrases that don’t work in conflict resolution: let’s look at some typical ways that people miss the mark in conflict resolution.

Mark and his wife, Allyson are arguing over his inability to get anywhere on time. Allyson is always embarrassed to come into social situations late.

Mark: “Well, you’ve got to tell me what’s got you so upset tonight at the wine tasting.”
Allyson: “I’m fine!”

Why it doesn’t work: Claiming to be okay with how the conflict resolution is going when you’re obviously hurt and upset is lying to yourself and the other person. If you start to act in an insincere manner, they start to question you ethics and your motivations.

Stephen, a real estate broker, has shown Deidre almost a hundred homes. She’s hated all of them, so he asks her what she wants in a home. He’s losing other commissions showing her homes she’s rejected, and he’s extremely frustrated. She throws up her hands and sighs “I don’t know!”

Why it doesn’t work: Sometimes you don’t consciously know, but you do have a responsibility to yourself and the other person to find out what you don’t know. If you’ve being coy or deceptive, the other person will almost always know that you are acting in a dishonest manner.

Leslie and her coworker always at odds. Leslie feels Matt is always stealing credit for her ideas. “You always find a way to take credit for just typing up my ideas!”

Why it doesn’t work: The words “always” and “never” stick the other person perpetually in the role of being the villain. And it sticks you in the victim role. Humans are always changing, and the truth is that no one always does the same thing in every similar situation.

“You decided that”

Why it doesn’t work: Remember the mind reading that we discussed earlier. When you tell someone that they made some decision that stepped on your toes, you’re basically accusing them of purposefully violating your rights. And you’re ascribing some pretty underhanded motivations to the other person. Remember, you can never know for certain what the other persons needs, motivations or feelings are unless they clearly state them to you.

Edward and his roommate, Charles are arguing over who buys supplies for the apartment. Charles accuses Edward of not contributing his share. Edward waves his hand and says, “Let’s just drop it and move on.”

Why it doesn’t work: The conflict is something that is obviously keeping both of you stuck. Glossing over something doesn’t make it disappear. It just makes it fester..

Words and phrases you can use for better conflict resolution:

“What is most important thing for that you want solved/that you want me to understand?” In some conflicts, there is one issue that’s being disputed. But in others, one or both parties will have several needs, and some o f them are more important than others. If you can get the other person to name the need that is their first priority, they will be more willing to compromise on lesser needs.

“Well, if you got (this thing you’re asking for), what would that do for you?” This can  be very helpful  when you just cannot comprehend why the other person is acting the way they are.   If you give  the other person space to reflect on their  motivations without criticism or judgement coming at them, they may be more able to name the wants and needs behind the strategies they are so fixated upon. You may be astounded at what comes out when you ask with a curious, open mind.

“What is it about this situation that’s not working for you?” It’s important to get the other person to focus on how the conflict resolution process is working for them, instead of focusing on you. If you can remove the situation from an interpersonal conflict, you can start to diffuse any emotions that are starting to boil over.

“Let me tell you in my words what I think you’re saying so we can make sure we’re on the same page.” Often we’re convinced that the rest of the world sees things exactly the way we do. But each of us sees it differently. In situations of stress and conflict everyone’s ability to communicate clearly is strained. When you repeat the other person’s words in the way that you’re receiving them (and in a completely respectful way, no mocking or mimicking), they can realize that they aren’t delivering the message that they think they are.

“Okay, let’s list what we do agree on.” Even if it’s just the fact that you’re both feeling frustrated, it’s common ground. And you can agree that you both want to come to an agreement that benefits each of you. The trick is to find the tiniest, even what feels like insignificant thing that you agree on, and try to build from there. Maybe you both want to end the conflict as quickly as possible, and you can start to make some compromises from that standpoint.

“What would you like to see happen?” One way to steer yourself towards conflict resolution is to ask the person outright not just what they want, but how they would like to see things end. It gets both of you in a mindset of thinking towards the end. Work your way backwards from the end, and figure out how to get there.

“How can we meet both of our needs?” Compromise is at the heart of conflict resolution. Just face the fact that nine times out of ten you’ll have to give up some things that you want, and so will the other person. But if you’re both actively trying to find a solution that meets both of you most important needs, the negotiations will go much smoother.

It’s a good idea to look at conflict resolution as a method to connect with the other person. If you can use try to understand what the other party wants and needs, you’ll have an good chance to connect with them. Having that connection allows you both to work towards a solution that you’ll both be able to live with.

Conflict resolution is a skill that can be practiced by any of us, but the trouble is that we often practice it in ineffective ways. Most of the mistakes we make stem from making assumptions about what we think other person wants or needs. And usually the conflict at hand reflects a much deeper issue that each side is trying to dance around.

Ineffective approaches to conflict resolution: Many of us go on autopilot when a conflict arises, and use tactics like these:

Avoidance: Most of us avoid conflict like the plague, especially in work and family situations. We’d be much happier not rocking the boat and stirring up negative feelings. We aren’t looking for a way to practice conflict resolution, until the resentment and frustration under the surface erupts into a big mess.

Triangulation: In triangulation, you are upset with something someone said or did, and instead of working directly to create a way to bring in conflict resolution, you hold it in. And you take out your anger and frustration on another, usually innocent party. In this case, all you wind up with are two people who are hurt and angry at you, and in the worst case you’ve extended your conflict to include a third person.

Ruminating: Ruminating is a state of constantly going over and over the same thought, with no productive way of solving a problem. In rumination, you remind yourself of every slight that the other party has done to you in the past, and you get stuck in the feeling of hurt that these feelings bring you. Ruminating does nothing other than provide a cheap way to stir up your emotions.

Yielding: The yielding style is a passive way of deal making, compromising and generally emotionally checking out of the conflict resolution process. You force the other person to do all of the decision-making, while they sit there and wonder what your strategy really is. Many times when we use yielding to abandon our responsibility to participate in conflict resolution, we will passively try to sabotage what the other person was forced to decide on his or her own.

Competitiveness: If you’re totally out for your own interests and aren’t concerned with the other person, your aim is getting what you want instead of finding a way to bring conflict resolution into the argument. Everything becomes either a win or a loss for you, and you spend your time trying to win dominance over the other party.

Judgemental and Defensive: We love to think we can read others’ minds, and tell the other person what they are thinking, doing, and what they want. But the reality is that we only see others behaving the way we think they are. We can try empathy, putting ourselves into their shoes and trying to feel how they feel. But if we tell them what they think and why they’re wrong, we’re being judgmental, blocking any conflict resolution.

Asking Questions to Find the Problem Source

The greatest keys to successful conflict resolution can often be found in personal reflection and compromise. Some situations demand a different approach. In one where a business contractor fails to meet your expectations, it may simply be a matter of a misunderstanding instead of willful negligence. A client that does not follow through on a contract may not have understood the terms. In both cases, the problem can be more easily resolved by taking the time to ask questions and explore where the whole issue started.

Preemptive- Do they have a full understanding?

Conflict resolution isn’t always about settling an argument. It is often better to avoid the conflict than to try and solve one that’s already begun. Communication is the quickest way to address an issue before it becomes a giant problem. In the case with a business contract, ask whether they have understood the full terms of the agreement. Be sure and clarify any unclear points, and make sure that everything is clarified so there is no confusion. Ask, “what did  this mean to you?” to proactively explore areas of  misunderstanding and places of possible openings towards conflict resolution.

Making the assumption that they already know and are willfully deceiving you or are shirking their responsibilities can bring you from a misunderstanding to a lawsuit, without stopping in between to check what might really be going on. A misunderstanding is frustrating and unfortunate, but asking questions and seeking the source of the problems leaves room to repair things. It may even provide very useful information about how to fix the root causes of these kinds of problems to make things run more smoothly in the future.

Reducing the need for conflict resolution can free up the energy, time, and money that has gone towards dealing with constant low-level emergencies that plague many organizations and relationships. A lawsuit puts everyone on the defensive (or on the attack, even better!) and shuts down any willingness to search out the issues that actually need to be resolved. Often, the only issue that gets decisively resolved with a lawsuit is who is more willing to sending money down the drain.

It may be tempting to ridicule the other person for lack of understanding. Instead, understand that not everyone operates along the same mind track. Different people assume and project along different lines. Take the time to make sure each person understands, and ask questions proactively to make sure you’re all on the same page. It will save a lot of pain and headaches down the road if you can proactively work at conflict resolution as  soon as indications of disagreement surface.

Asking without accusing

Some questions can be perceived as a challenge, and can obscure conflict resolution if they are not poised with  care. An inquiry about a broken door on a rental may seem natural and quite reasonable, but to the tenant may come across as accusing. Instead of a harsh demand,  a soft, low-pitched and  slow voice, and a curious approach. People can often hear it in your voice if you’ve already made up your mind that they are to blame.

Simply ask, “It looks like the door frame is damaged. Do you know anything about how that might have happened?” In this case, you are asking for specific information, rather than asking if they are the ones who broke it. The tenant is often more willing to share the story rather than reacting defensively. Good questions  asked with an open mind can help unearth  some of the  root causes perpetuating the disagreement, and move you further along the road to satisfying conflict resolution.

Conflict resolution begins with yourself. Often, this means compromise. In giving up a part of what you want, you may not gain everything you had hoped for, but it might give you more of what you truly want in the big picture and can go a long way in settling arguments. What assumptions are you willing to question in  exchange for lasting conflict resolution?

For example, you may feel that you want is justified, perhaps for a very good logical reason. However, the other person feels differently, and is frustrated that you seem so set on your opinion as the only right way to see the situation. And in turn, you may feel annoyed at their continuing resistance and apparent lack of understanding which seems to be undermining the goal of efficient conflict resolution.  It is common to snap back with reasons why you are right or deserve what you are asking for, thinking that the whole problem could be resolved if only the other person would listen to reason. This can cause you to appear selfish and stubborn, leading them to increased feelings of frustration, defensiveness, and closing down any willingness to listen to your side of the story.

Stop and consider what you are trying to achieve, and realize that you may have to give something up that is standing in your way. What would you be willing to drop in exchange for peaceful conflict resolution? Maybe the thing to be given up isn’t even the particulars of what you want in the situation. It may be the tactics and strategy you are using that you will have to question in order to approach conflict resolution with the other person. Then you can shift from attacking the other person, to really figuring out what limiting assumptions, beliefs, or unquestioned “certainties” are perpetuating the problem.

Would you be willing to drop the belief that the other person is selfish and unreasonable in order to have the dialogue about respect that is stewing right under the surface? It may just be that if you are willing to give up your insistence on the particular form you’d like the conflict resolution to take, it can create space for you to both learn from each other that you each want respect and consideration. Then you can talk about how to get it and what to do about it.

It is not wrong to stand firm on an issue, but sometimes it can be unnecessary and not worth the fight. Question why you would want the thing you want that badly, and what benefits it will have for you or those around you. Is the thing you want actually a strategy towards satisfying something for you that might possibly be achieved in a different way you haven’t thought of yet?

Do you really want to force your colleague into doing the brunt work in the next big office project to prove your point in a long-standing argument? Or do you just finally want an opportunity to contribute and show what you’re capable of? Do you want your husband to finally clean the toilet, and the  kitchen too while he’s at it? Or do you want a tangible demonstration that he cares about the spaces you share and considers your needs? If you stay stuck arguing over who gets which role in your next big work project, or who should be cleaning the house this time around, no one will really get anything they want and you will continue having the same old arguments. Instead of being able to negotiate calmly to find a win-win conflict resolution that works for everyone, starting out insisting on your solution as the  only one will probably just drag the both of you into the same old familiar mess.

If you are open to multiple strategies towards satisfying your needs, you can create a space for collaboration where the game becomes, “how do we find a strategy that satisfies both of our objectives?” Instead of fighting each other to see who will win and who must lose.  Then you can have a discussion about the various possibilities in search of conflict resolution that fulfills everyone’s needs and really gets at the root causes of the problem.

A huge cause of festering conflict, unquestioned assumptions and lack of compromise, is often simply a result of sheer pride and stubbornness in holding on to what you want. Be willing to take a step down, realizing that some of what you wanted is in fact not so necessary, after all. In fact, it may  be the biggest thing standing in the way of achieving truly effective conflict resolution.

For many people, dealing with conflict and conflict resolution is simply a part of life. Often, the first thought that comes to mind on the subject of conflicts is relationships, especially between loved ones. In reality, however, conflict can happen anywhere, even with a complete stranger. A loved one feels let down, a business partner misunderstands the contract, the waitress brought the wrong order- it can be anything. Living and working with other people creates inevitable points of friction that need to be addressed one way or another. Successful conflict resolution leads to stronger relationships and a stronger capacity to deal with difficult situations, whether you know the person for just a few moments or a lifetime.

Conflict resolution is not easy, but it is worth it to settle tensions before they blow up and create an emotional war zone with entrenched battle lines, invisible snipers, and explosive landmines. Most people can agree that achieving conflict resolution is a better way deal with arguments rather than letting things get out of control to the point of destructive, angry fights. In the heat of the moment, however, it can be difficult to keep the right perspective and calmly seek out a path towards effective conflict resolution. It is all too easy to get stuck in our own anger and irritation, blinding us from seeing the deeper issues that gave rise to the conflict in the first place.

Many times it is about perspective. We feel judged by the other person based on what they said or did, or something they said triggers feelings of blame. Sometimes a request can feel like manipulation or a demand, as though we are obligated to do what was asked. Feeling backed into a corner without choice or power to respond freely can make people react defensively. Everyone has had the experience of a discussion degrading into a turn-by-turn defensive justification of one’s own perspective and critical attack blaming the other person. These discussions go nowhere very quickly, and searching for conflict resolution is the last on anyone’s list of priorities at that point.

Instead of reacting with anger right away, make an effort to actively listen to the other person, paying attention to words, tone, and behavior. These are messages that are being sent directly to you. What are they trying to tell you? Often it is not anger or condemnation (although that may be what is being  said on the surface), but underneath it might be just pain and wanting to be understood. Might hearing this message be a key part of  what they need to move forwards into conflict resolution?

When thoughts come up for you that feel like the absolute truth of why the other person is to blame  and why they are wrong that prevent you from hearing their message, try and suspend your judgement for just a few moments. Look at them for a moment, or picture them in your mind’s eye.  See if you can find any room for curiosity about what basic emotion they might be feeling that would motivate them to act this way. Maybe fear? Anger? Sadness veiled over  with something else?

Shift your question from “why can’t you see that you are wrong!?!” to “What’s going on for you, and what’s the message you really need to me to hear and understand?” You may find that this simple shift can open  up  new ways forward to real conflict resolution.